Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Zip lines and Helicopter Rides... (and other such nonsense)

Seriously, shouldn't we get to vote on a new name for the Bachelorette? My nomination is Zip Lines and Helicopter Rides (and other such nonsense). I mean, right? Is anyone else observing this obnoxious repeat theme? What is their obsession with aerial tours and kiddie camp adventure activities? Miss Melissa, in the played-out-everybody's-been-there-prime-family-vacation-spot-excuse-for-an-"exotic"-island-that-is-Maui...with a zip line. Prove me wrong.

Oh. Hello Bachelorette. Did you run out of crazy-creative, over-the-top locations? Maui? Really?
I'm thinking ABC is running a little low on the budget... those fantasy suites looked like something you would find in a luxurious Hampton Inn. And what's up with Reid getting the short end of the stick? Allow me to explain. But not yet... hold your horses, we will evaluate Kiptyn first. We'll call him Kip... mostly because hearing the name Kiptyn is like nails on a chalkboard for me... don't know why. That, and it reminds me of Lipton Iced Tea. And, quite frankly, Kippy Kip is not that refreshing to me. So Kip it is. Let's recap, shall we?

Kip and Jillian reunite via Indiana Jones bridge. How convenient.



Jillian really needs to put their "trust" to the test since it is "hugely, hugely important to her"... and she "wants to make sure that when things get tough or there is challenges (You mean ARE challenges, Jillian! Sheesh.)...that [Kip] is there for me and today will be a great indication how [Kip] works in teams."



So, in other words, the optimal way to test "trust" and to see how a potential mate will react to real life difficulties and challenges... would be on a ropes course! Duh. Completely logical...makes perfect sense... totally realistic. Good call, Jillian.


Using Jillian logic, we have learned that when the going gets tough... Jillian turns into a total sissy-la la. If I were Kippy Kip, I would have just unhooked my rope and jumped. I couldn't imagine having to withstand a minute more of her nasely...whiny...pretend damsel-in-distress...help-me-I'm-just-a-girl-and-therefore-can't-have-any-athletic-ability ridonkulousness. Kip is a man with saint like patience.




So the last obstacle on the ropes course is "the leap of faith"... where they have to climb a sawed off telephone pole, stand there like a gymnast on a balance beam... and dismount onto a trapeze 36 feet away. More whine from Jillian. More regret from Kipper. Count down... they jump... she flails her body like a flounder out of water... maybe getting 2 feet of air. Kipster leaps in the most graceful arch (toes pointed and all) I've ever seen... easily grabbing the trapeze and dangling like a Ukrainian gymnast on the uneven bars. The scores are in... 9.5...9.5....9.2...8.0 (darn Chinese judge with unhuman expectations that only the Chinese can perform!)...9.7... and a perfect 10!! from Melissa!



He dangles ever so gracefully while she declares, " I was so close, did you see that?" Then looks up... "Oh you grabbed it!" I hope that she watches the instant replay and realizes how stupid she looks for even entertaining the idea that she was "so close". She looked like a toddler proudly retelling a tall tale of how death-defying and mind-boggling her "jump" was. Coming from a grown woman, it isn't cute; it is shameful.



Might as well dust off your bruised ego by... gasp!!... a zip line!! What? That has never been done before! I'm telling you... what an adventurer she is! She's a regular Muppet Baby! Too bad nanny's green and white striped stockings won't be waiting for you with soothing words and milk and cookies at the end of your zip line. Shucks.



Next, we have Kiparoo feeding Jillian strawberries. Why?? Who ever came up with the idea that feeding one another is romantic? I dare Jon to try to feed me something... he would be lucky if he didn't pull back a nubb for a hand. haha You can't bed fed gracefully; you will always look like an uncoordinated mule being fed a carrot at the petting zoo.



The mule and Kipapotomus then engage in a toast... "To 2nd chances at a leap of faith".
How very clever, Kip. You're a regular toastmaster.

Then comes dinner. Well, let me back up... then comes Jillian's one-piece pantsuit... and then comes dinner.



Blah, blah, blah... b.o.r.i.n.g. She asks him about his flaws... he tells her that he can be impatient (False, Kippo. We already saw your saint like patience on the ropes course.) and that he usually has "one foot in and one foot out" in relationships. Thanks for the honesty and total red flag... but Jillian likes red and she likes flags... so she will respond with an undeserved compliment... followed by a master-of-the-obvious question: "She trusts him the most... but what if you decide I'm not the one?" Well, if that's the case Jillian... I'm going to guess you won't live happily ever after with Prince Kipperoni.



She feels this is the most opportune time to pull out the loosey goosey fantasy suite card from her napkin (which Kiply called her out on. Good for you!) and reads the invitation... signed, Chris... to enjoy a night in an average looking Hawaii hotel room. Goooo romance! If I'm not mistaking... Chris either writes like a woman... or this invitation isn't really from Chris at all!! Dun. Dun. Duuuuun!!!



Jillian bestows yet another statement of depth and insight... "I have concerns, but I have to struggle to find those concerns"... and, therefore, that morsel of confession gives the go-ahead for loosey goosey night number 1.

K-dawg is just ok to me. There is nothing that really bugs me about him... but he doesn't really have a striking personality that makes me think he is anything great. I'll give him a B+ for existing without getting on my nerves.

Next up... Mr. Reid.

So, while Kipmeister arrived via Indiana Jones bridge... Reid arrives via Dodge Durango.



Which completely foreshadows the rest of Reid's jipped out date. Jillian awaits him, awkwardly holding a beach ball that, evidently, served no purpose and had no significance as to a clue of what they would be doing on their date. They walk across a grassy field with beautiful mobile home buildings gracing the scenic horizon. Jip number two.



He declares that he is "really, really happy to see her"... to which she responds, "ditto" or "me too"... you can't really tell... but I'll go with ditto for affect. Lo and behold... a squirrely chopper appears over the treeline...



Reid gets all excited since it is his first helicopter ride and Jillian gives him a high-5. Jip number three.



Jillian commentates that... "[a helicopter ride] is a great way for them to reconnect again." Really? Loud chopper blades... an echoing headset that even the pilot can partake in (or eavesdrop) on your conversation... or the fact that you just want to look out the windows at the scenery below... what part of that spells out "reconnect"?

Captain Pilot asks, "Is everyone ready?"
Jillian responds, "10-4".
Really? That is not an affirmative, Jillian. 10-4 is an acknowledgment.
Example... Mr. pilot gives a command, "buckle up your seat belts!"
Appropriate use: "10-4!" meaning... I heard you, I'm acknowledging what you've said and I'm doing it.
So... lets replay this:
Captain: "Is everyone ready?"
Jillian: "Acknowledged and doing it."
WHAT!?
Fool. Pilots, although mysterious creatures, use and understand a "yes" and "no" response. I know. It baffles me, too.

When the pilot explains that he is also an ordained minister and can perform aerial weddings, Jillian responds (to the minister!), "let's get this SH*T done!"
TO THE MINISTER!
He should have turned around and washed her potty mouth out with soap and holy water! Who says that to clergy!?
They land... and she reveals that she has a very special date planned for Reid.
Oh boy! Something new and exciting!
Nope, another picnic. Really? Special? A picnic for the zillionth time?

They have a serious conversation... Reid tells her that he is afraid of the time frame. While he is steadily developing feelings and things are moving in the right direction, it is all very fast and sort of rushed...and for someone like him (who needs time) it is hard.

Back to reality... this is the most normal thing that could be said on the show. And for that, he will be punished!

He continues to open up and show some vulnerability by admitting that he is not good at voicing emotion... that he is good at showing it.

She commentates, "Reid makes me feel different than any of the other guys... the feeling that I didn't think existed anymore." ... "I'm head over heels for Reid"... "Of all the guys here, I can relate to Reid the most".



He explains that he may be ready to propose and starts talking about everything Jillian is fishing to hear...and she cuts him off to make some stupid crack about him resembling the totem pole face. What a weird cookie.



Anyway, loosey goosey card comes and she "takes Chris up on his offer." Do you really think Chris... THE HOST... cares if you hussy it up in the loosey goosey room?! Anyway, Jillian is now 2 for 2. But who is keeping score?

So they go. And dump an entire bottle of Dawn dish soap into the bathtub, to the point that they can't even see each other. Gooo romance. Reid later calls it "One of the best nights of his life"... and probably one of the cleanest.



I like Reid the best. He is normal and isn't playing along with the "tell Jillian what she wants to hear" crap. He needs to go back to Philly, eat a steak sandwich and find a girl who isn't looking to get engaged in 12 weeks, no matter what the cost. Amen.

On to E.D.
The new tool.
So... Ed arrives to the Sailboat... as Jillian is staring off into the distance like she is a cotton pickin' Ralph Lauren model. No, sweetheart, this is not Martha's Vineyard... back to reality.



Ed, romantically and lovingly... and completely admiring Jillian's personality exclaims, "Jillian looked so tan and hot. I just wanted to attack her." Oh. Yes. The words every woman dreams of hearing. What a smooth operator.



I interrupt this analysis...we cannot go on any longer without talking about the elephant in the room. The Mankini. Seriously. Oh. My. Freaking. Gosh. What the EFF was going through his mind? Did he think he looked good? What. A. Tool.



And when I thought he couldn't get any more tool-y... he crossed his legs.
That's all I can say. I couldn't even pay attention because I was so nauseous... it was like a train wreck... you just couldn't look away. You hated what you saw (old man legs that were cut and bruised and hairless like a 94 year old man, but on a 29 year old's body) but were so in awe that he thought he was all that... and a bag of chips. (yeah. I said it. Bring you back to 7th grade, eh?)



So she meets the parents. And I LOVE that she has a total copplesaurus when meeting them. You know, the ted copple comb-over? The one strand of bang that just dangles across her sweaty forehead? Perfect.



She tells the parents that Ed is everything that she is looking for... which Mrs. Bear asks, "which is...?"
She responds, "Tall... dark, handsome...and beautiful eyes (nothing shallow here, right?)... and quickly corrects to his sense of humor (has anyone seen him laugh??), he is incredibly intelligent (as demonstrated... how?) and passionate about his job (the very thing he chose over you and left you for... and the very thing that you are so insecure about... all of a sudden becomes a good thing).



She goes outside to talk to mama bear.

Meanwhile, inside, Ed's dad says, "What the hell are we doing here? What is going on?!"
haha Love it. He's my new favorite. Go dad! Give your half-disappointed, half-ashamed tone to little Eddy bear.



Later Jillian and papa bear have a one on one. He says he wants to know about her. She responds with, "I'm from a small town. I've worked SO HARD in my life to go to school and to prove myself..." Waahh. Waahh. Shut. the. eff. up. Seriously, stop acting like you fought your way out of the projects, living a life of oppression... "proving" yourself along the way.
Seriously? Everything about her response... how cliche it is, how unauthentic it is, how she is just trying to say what she thinks is "right"...just needs to be retaliated against. She needs to be slapped.

They forego dinner to meet the parents... and end up out on the beach... shorty shorts and all.



She says, "today was perfect..." and he responds, "Yeah, I had a lot of fun."
And Reid has a hard time expressing his feelings?? You had a lot of.... FUN? So romantic.



Now, it may be shocking, but Jillian decides to go 3 for 3 with the loosey goosey room.



They go back... Ed declares that he is really "nervous" like ten times.







She goes into the bathroom and changes into this matronly, anything-but-sexy, long sleeved, over sized t-shirt looking ensemble with a deep V down to her navel. She prances out thinking she looks a little more enticing than what she really does.



He thinks it is "blazing hot... and the hottest thing he has ever seen". Apparently he doesn't get out much.

Tell me her leg doesn't look like an orange hot dog? Tell me! You can't. Either that is an incredible spray tan gone horribly wrong... or there is awful lighting... or she is a descendant of the Oompa Loompa tribe.



They continue to rub an obnoxious amount of goopy oil on each other and then... fade out...
lights off.... lights back on... camera back on... Ed looks like a dead animal on the bed.

He commentates, "I was very nervous. It just didn't happen. I wanted to show her I loved her and I just couldn't." Ok, Mr. Ed... you did this to yourself. All of America is watching... and those were the words you chose. Did I forget to mention that his parents call him Richie... but he chooses to be called ED? Was that a self-fulfilling prophecy or what? Anyone?



That is all I'm going to say about that. I'm seriously not making fun of him if this is a legitimate condition... but somehow I have a feeling this is all staged anyway. Like, why were the cameras still rolling all night for them but not for Reid and Kipso? Poor Ed... who would even sign themselves up for this scrutiny?

Regardless, she keeps Ed... and lets Reid go home! Seriously? With that ill-fitted, heinous selection of a suit??

I love the way Kipalot and Reid look at him when he arrives. Classic.



Sidenote: Am I the only one that noticed her getting ready and putting on these shoes...




...and then later shown wearing these flats? This observation serves no point... but I thought I'd point it out anyway.



Boo. Hoo. What a pouty face. Anyway. Back to Reid.



So she is sending him home. With this smug look on her face!!



Ugh! What did the hand say to the face?? SLLLLAAAPPPP!
That's what she needs.

So she sends Reid home via limo (heck, beats the Dodge Durango that he arrived in) and mourns on the bench. Mourns her stupidity.

Meanwhile, Mr. Ed comes to find her... while Kipsy waits where she left him in the grass...



Go away E.D.!! She needs to experience regret and remorse! She doesn't want to see you!

Anyway, next week there will be a startling confession. I think Ed is going to reveal that he is gay and that she does nothing for him. And then she will pick Kippy and Ed will ride home in the limo exclaiming... "first time ever... that someone has gotten to the top 2 on the Bachelorette... with a BOYFRIEND!"

Oh boy! Can't wait!


4 comments:

  • Troy and Rachel said...

    Have you read the spoilers? I want to tell you what really happens in the final episode but I don't want to ruin it for you if you aren't into cheating like me :) Next week at the men tell all Reid, Ed, Kip, and Wes will be absent to give you an idea. Wes wasn't invited though because of his big mouth. I'm not into Jillian, she asks way to many questions instead of letting things happen naturally. I like the Bachelor shows better.

  • Anonymous said...

    Thanks for the awesome, humorous recap!

    Michelle

  • Keva Kate said...

    You know, I am pretty sure I have no watched a full episode of the bachelorette, but after reading this, I may just have to. I freaking love how you pointed out her "copplesaurus"! I'll have to remember that one!

  • Kelsey Smith said...

    Your recap is hilarious, and I feel the same way about most of your comments!